Sometimes you just have to dive in and start swimming. It is only important that you can swim, not that you are an Olympic class athlete. If you wait until you suddenly wake up and have perfected a skill overnight you will be waiting your whole life. As I have been redirecting my creative life I have taken that to heart by making videos and retooling my website for this next phase. Full disclosure it did take me months to weigh my options and make the choice, I am not a person to rush right in to things. I also knew I had to fit anything I did in around work and home responsibilities.
My ultimate goal is to replace my workplace work with my online work. It is not an easy shift as I do enjoy my current job, and the fact that there is a steady paycheck plus benefits to count on. However, I need to look further down the road at the impact my working outside the home has on quality of life. I get to see people and interact, but my husband by default sees fewer people and gets out less. In weighing the options of having occasional companions for him vs. me being around more, it becomes a pretty clear choice.
It is nerve wracking, but I can juggle both while things get up to speed and profitability. But the timeline is fairly tight. I have been fortunate that my daughter has been home since being laid off and starting her online masters program. It has an end date though that I need to keep an eye on. I am pretty excited about this whole process, feeling less overwhelmed than I would have expected. There are moments of “What am I thinking!?” but over all progress is occurring at a steady pace.
I am a big one for seeing patterns, both the obvious and the anomalies that stick out in what seems a random way. Numbers, colors, and the like catch my eye. Sometimes these pattern occurrences will lead to a specific result, sometimes though I seem to miss what is being pointed out. My mind isn’t able to gather and form the information into a full image that I can process. Perhaps some of those times are just shout outs to me to pay attention, to be open and aware. Much like practicing for a marathon, recital or speech gets us ready for the big event while giving us something along the way.
I believe some dreams can do the same thing, slipping snippets of information we need in amongst all the other things happening in a dream. Recently my dreams have had very specific names, first and last, of people I have never heard of. Chloe Valdon, John Probien, Dan Heglin. The names are always on something; a book, check or sign, yet I am not able to figure out the reason for the specificity. Since last year I have felt as if I am on the cusp of “something” which I have yet to figure out. My mind swings between “is it this” or “could it be that” possibilities with no clear answer. Which can be very frustrating, as I prefer clarity and action vs cryptic and obscure.
It is a safe bet that over the last year many have felt poised for something to change, to unfold, to be revealed. Lives have been upended, routines shaken up and priorities completely reordered. We have had the ground shift under our feet as society has grappled with many longstanding ills. I like to think people want better for everyone, to be open to a new age of humanity and creativity. The other option of sinking into stagnation and cruelty is too heartbreaking to consider even as it seems many want to regress to a darker age.
As we step out from the shadow of the pandemic and learn to live in a revised world, I plan to be ready to seize opportunities as they present themselves. To trust the process, to see things in a different light and to keep myself open to seeing a new path.
I was in the upper level at work last week to open doors for ventilation, and hoping the draw of hot air upwards would work. It gave me a chance to see the domed light from above. It also gave me a moment of pure quiet to think from a different angle. I am in a spot where I can physically feel things shifting and turning me in a new direction. I felt the first tiny vibrations back almost 2 years ago, though I thought I might be being hasty.
Then last year felt stronger ones and started paying attention and looking for signs. I guess you could say all of 2020 so far had been one. I have been casting out lines to see what comes in, a slow process as many already know. But it is part of the process I have to trust in as things unfold at a rate hard to understand.
I still can’t see any clear route, which sets my organized self on edge, but know it is there if I can just pivot a bit to see things from another angle.
The summer color is in full swing now. I am enjoying these waning days seeing what is blooming before we move. Monday will be the last day here, when we close the door that final time and step into something new. It is the “something new” that keeps me awake at night in the mind loops that always occur in the wee hours. I think it should be mandatory that only pleasant thoughts spoil a night of sleep.
Tonight, after a busy day of packing and toting capped off by mowing the lawn one last time, I hope to sleep solidly. There’s much still to get done before Monday.
After months of looking, outbids , failed offers and with the closing date looming it is time to admit defeat in our house buying process. The market being in a frenzy over the few places being sold is not one I want to be part of.
So this means apartment or townhouse rental search must be done. Not the outcome we were looking for, but it had to be done. Which will mean the garage contents of yard and house stuff must be dealt with on short order. Rakes, ladders, shovels, mower, thrower, all that sort of thing. Plus items I am not so sure I want to part with but know need to be dealt with.
It makes it a much harder process than just a regular move from house to house, or even house to condo. Which makes a tense time even tenser since I am the handler of it all. And so this sideways step will send us off in an unexpected direction, one I can only hope is a good one.